| Okay, so I think your story has some potential and could be pretty interesting. It's fun, and light-hearted. However, I think there are a few things that maybe you could keep in mind for the future.
One, Lily seems either too young, or very mature at any given moment. Try and find the balance, or the side that you'd prefer to have her lean to--generally when a person is mature for their age, they'll stay that way minute to minute.
Aside from that, try and slow down a bit and give us what you may even consider useless details. Are the girls' robes disheveled? Where are their trunks? How many people are in the compartments, and how noisy is the train? Is there anything that sparks the attention? Are the windows open or closed? Not these things exactly, but the idea of letting us see the world around Lily. Sometimes it just felt like you were throwing it in our face who was what blood and who wanted what house and what it meant. These are things that we could infer or learn later; usually it's not that important as soon as you meet someone to know their blood--just as you wouldn't ask someone's religion.
To end this on a positive note, though, I'd like to say that I like how it feels like you're actually speaking to us. A storyteller. |
